That feeling when your kid’s got 5 teeth coming in at once, you’ve run out of baby Tylenol, and it’s snowing…
(No, you’re not crazy. It’s not snowing today. But it was when I wrote this post at 3:00am a few weeks ago. Thankfully the snow has cleared and the Tylenol has been procured. Phew.)
So it’s mid-February, I’m home sick, and I’m watching trashy reality shows on Netflix while planning my kid’s first birthday (because I can “stay in bed and rest” and STILL multitask, mothafucker!).
Halfway through the first season of “Yummy Mummies,” I discover two crucially important things:
1) We must have a first birthday cake smash. You can’t have a kid and not have a cake smash. It would be a crime against humanity. And Pinterest. And we don’t want that now, do we?
2) If you have a girl, she must wear tutu. Because ballerinas spend all of their spare time chowing down on cakes… they’re, like, known for it. (Not.) But if you have a boy, it’s a different story. Boys, you see, must be dressed as wee Chippendales:
I’m not sure what’s more absurd about this photo. The god-awful shade of kelly green (which, as you can see in the description, is perfectly suited for both Christmas and St. Patrick’s Day) or the fact that the baby is dressed as an exotic dancer, complete with a bare chest, a bow tie, and the requisite pair of suspenders.
I think we’ll pass.
You would think that the library’s cancellation of Baby Story Time would keep your kid from pooping on the rug at Baby Store Time.
You would be wrong.
I can still remember the day my husband and I went to Buy Buy Baby to look at strollers. We walk in, as clueless as clueless can be, and find our eyes glazing over at a display that stretches wall to wall, floor to ceiling. Each stroller is parked in a little compartment on a purpose-built shelf, like some sort of futuristic looking multi-level parking garage, and they’re stacked three high.
There are so many different types, and shapes, and colors, and it takes us a good ten minutes of wheeling the damn things around to realize that we’ve not even made it to the regular stroller section. Oh no. We’re only looking at the clearance models…
If you had asked the old me if I thought I’d ever end up cruising around with a $900 stroller (or that I’d spend my third trimester taking “practice” walks with said stroller to get our dimwitted dog used to the idea) I’d have looked at you like you had two heads.
But the new me, the mom me, is the proud owner of an UppaBaby Vista 2018, complete with an infant bassinet attachment and a leather handlebar because how on earth can you raise a baby without a leather handlebar?